Porco Dio
The owner's been in a foul mood, going off his nut without the slightest provocation, threatening to fire us all at random, screaming at the top of his lungs, it's been a few days, few weeks now, the girls suspect that it's because they've denied him groping rights, I've postulated that the bloom is off the marriage, everyone has their own theory, what matters is that he's unlivable at the moment.
The only thing that keeps me here is the lack of job security. Knowing that at any moment I could be free, it's the uncertainty, if I had to look forward to this a day, a week, month, I'd probably kill myself....
And in the kitchen he's screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing pots and pans, swearing at all and sundry who have the misfortune to be near.
Some of the tables can hear, they've been sat too near the kitchen. All of the tables could hear if they listened, most politely pretend that nothing's happening. You could be raped in the center of the dining room with a broken coke bottle and no one would see a thing, that's our customers.
A customer has a question: "What does 'Porco Dio' mean....?" she asks. I explain: "It means 'heavenly proscuitto', or 'The Ham of God'".
One of the brighter ones has another question..."What does 'Fucking Shit Fucking Son of a bitch Fucking Fuck Fuck...mean then?"
"Ah, that's a version of the Shepherds Lament, sung in Italian, and sadly most of the meaning is lost in translation...." I reply.
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The On Call Story - Truth and Justice Denied
This a story of double dealings and abuse of monopoly by Telus. OK, the narrator is annoying as hell, but not nearly as annoying as the abuse of monopoly as executed by Telus.
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Crack Addled Squirrels
This is an old one, but a great one. Apparently in some places in South London (Brixton), New York, Chicago, anywhere where drugs is a bit of a problem, there are these squirrels that have become unusually aggressive in their search for drugs - having become, as it were, addicted to crack. Or, as I like to say, crack-addled squirrels.
Now there's more than a slight whiff of Urban Legend to this one, but it's been so widely reported that one can't held thinking that maybe, just maybe there's a slight grain of truth to it...but..., well, it's the media after all. Read with caution.
Links: The Sun (UK) - Squirrels go nuts on crack, The Guardian, The NY Times, Various YouTube videos on the Crack Squirrel Problem, Christine O'keefe Aptowicz performs Crack Squirrels, and finally, a seemingly irrelevant connection to Russia where they don't seem to have made the connection - Russian Squirrel Pack Kills Dog.
I couldn't make this stuff up.
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A Bomb Under the Table
"We should put a bomb under the table" he tells me, the Bosses nephew. "Blow it up. Kill them all".
He has a certain charm, this Italian accent, thick, he continues...
"Sure, at first everyone would be upset, they have family and children...but in twenty years they would thank us!"
He's right, of course. It's taken him a while to cotton on, but we serve, pander to and pamper, the worst clientelle in the city. Moneyed, yes, class, manners, education - 0. That's the thing about Calgary, you have money, you don't need the rest....
And the bomb under the table, it could be the start of a brave new world...
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