I made a pitch to PornHub via "Mindgeek" and 1 month later they still haven't gotten back to me. Their loss, but maybe I shouldn't have written that million dollar cheque into the budget just yet...
FAO: Director of Merchandising, Pornhub
This is a merchandise pitch for one of your top visited websites, Pornhub.
Coming out of the Pandemic (Hopefully), Universities and Colleges will begin in person classes. Pornhub-U of course, being the Alma Mater of countless bored college students it seems only right they have recourse to celebrate their graduation.
What better way to commemorate the Pandemic and those happy years of online instruction than with a PornHub-U Alumni Sweatshirt?
"Pornhub-U - Class of 2022", with a Thumbs-Up Emoji in the center and your catchphrase "Hands On Distance Learning" seems ideal. Of course room should be left for any of the Latin phrases and degrees you might care to bestow, things like "Veni, Vedi, Veni" or "Magna Cum Laude", which could be plausibly typeset to read "Mommy Cum Louder", because, really, who reads these things anyways?
Please do not hesitate to call and discuss royalties.
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- Category: For Sale
(Trying to sell this goddamn thing on Kijiji and Facebook only they limit my description)
- - Spacious Outdoor Bathroom & Kitchen
- - Excellent for foraging
- - 1 time only close to whatever Amenity your heart so desires.
- - Winter Tires (read: Doesn't need any tires put it up on blocks wow this is a gold mine already!!!!)
- - Roof Rack (read: Abundant storage)
- - 5 Seats, the 3 back of which fold down to accommodate whatever shade of Kootenay Polyamory you're into.
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- Category: For Sale
The last few days, inexplicably weird.
Running out to cars to drop off junk, a clarinet, good but needs work, the client, sitting in his van while he looks it over...me in my green woolen hoody looking for all like that dodgy guy buying coke, or selling it, only me, I'm selling junk...
Well, be kind, not junk, stuff I'm done with, stuff I don't need, I need a life and there's no space for one here.
A previous customer, in for a half dozen items. He stands at the door and calls me "sir", he was waiting, it seemed, until he had the minimum number of items to come in for. When critical mass was reached he messaged me and came. He reminds me of the other stuff he bought, I remember, he's got a big house he needs to fill, he still waits at the door and calls me "sir". For a big guy he's surprisingly polite.
Another one, for a vacuum cleaner and a Bible Stand. He trips on the stairs, breaks the vacuum cleaner, but he's fine, he's fine, and he talks about some artists mannequins I'd had, he'd wanted, sold to a man who wanted a microphone stand and stainless steel meshed glove, he would have liked to pose them on his desk in sharing and helping poses. The vacuum cleaner, an unexpected success, 3 people wanted it in 20 minutes, the things I value, they sit for weeks, months even, the shit I hate, the day to day mundanities of life, others' can't wait to snap up.
Someone messages about the fountain pen, nice condition, he comes, picks it up, I show him others I haven't listed, he's travelling broke and so will come again the next day to look at them...
He messages me later, like me he's cash poor, asset rich, and would like to swap some solid silver Canadian $5.00 coins, valued at $30 - $35 apiece, and I say sure, I think he means just one for a pen he had his eye on. And he's not happy with the pen he bought, it doesn't work like he'd hoped, and so I arrange a swap for that as well. He returns, sorts through, some cuff links, pens, exchanged, a pocket watch, for 6 Silver 5$ coins, these go to the daughter, I need nothing.
Now a lady for the round stone spheres, she takes them all, Filipino, I show her geodes and she doesn't understand, what they are, and I explain they're stones, and she's dubious, ...
Then, the final customer of the day, someone texting me that they're coming at noon to look at a planter. And she shows up, a beautiful Japanese Canadian girl, and I've a brief flash of embarrassment at the state of the place, boxes still everywhere, and she's not here just for the stands, she wants to poke through the boxes, piles of stuff, and so I resume what I was doing, wrapping up things to be sent off, she's in the bedroom, there should be cues to stay out of the closet, then in the living room, in the end she builds a pile, old books, prints, ephemera, takes it all for $400 - cheap at double the price, but it wasn't selling, let it go, let it go, the deal's made and done, she drove here in a Porsche, I help her load up. She's furnishing a house she bought in the South with her husband.
She perplexes me. Most of the people wanting my shit, they're the same age as me, going through a different sort of mid-life crisis, I'm going the opposite way, cutting strings and ties, and I get them, old guys interested in watches, rocks, fountain pens, cufflinks, we're talking about my generation, but this girl -
...I don't know. She's interested in a couple of other pieces as well, curious, it's not often that I meet people so out of my box. But this is how it's done...
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- Category: For Sale
Lurid! Descriptive! And a damned sight better written than "50 Shades of Gray". But - sadly, the scenes are at best - well, lightly described and our poor protagonist could use some instruction in certain matters...
That said, this is the perfect book to whip out at your local cafe or while you're on the Bus to work. The cover just keeps on giving...
Yeah, haven't read this one. But again a great cover for reading in a coffeehouse...on the bus to work...in the unemployment line...in jail...
I actually know a lot of theatre people and I gotta say it's probably not at all fictional. In fact, I'll bet it doesn't even begin to cover some of the weird sh*t they get up to...I've read a couple of these, they're better written than "50 Shades...", but a lot less explicit, you're more or less just assured that everyone just grunted and had a good time.
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- Category: For Sale