I would hate to be a turtle...
My daughter has a talent for winding people up and taking the piss. A genius, really. I don't know where she gets it, but she'll find something that winds you up and pounce upon it, worrying it incessantly until you have to demand relief.
I ask her to pick up a towel thrown on the floor.
"That's where it belongs" she assures me.
We read books she takes from the library at school. She watches me, guages my approval and reaction, then acts accordingly. She's developed a taste for reading Junie B. Jones books, mostly because I don't like Junie B. Jones and think she's long overdue for a spanking. No surer way to win her approval.
Her older brother gets no quarter, and frequently I'm forced to intercede on her behalf to prevent any bloodshed.
I've been working on a project where I assign them writing projects. Small writing projects, a paragraph or 2, I'm trying to teach them rhetorical structure. The boy good naturedly goes along, the girl is a little more vocal in her resistance.
So it's no surprise that when I'm suggesting it's time we practice our writing she kicks up a bit of a fuss. Finally she acquiesces.
"What should I write about?" she asks me.
"Why don't you imagine that your a turtle?" I suggest.
She thinks for a moment before beginning.
"I would hate to be a turtle because...."
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- Category: Miscellany
Dear Lagostina...
Dear Lagostina,
I recently had the good fortune to win one of your fine cookware sets in a competition my local grocers was having, and I wanted to take this opportunity to ask a few questions and make a few observations.
1st, that it's made in China. That's OK, because I know that Lagostina is a very expensive make of cookware and so this probably isn't like other things made in China for low salaries in slum factories. But China is a big place and I was wondering if you could tell me where in China exactly it was made, so that if I ever go there I could meet the people who made my cookware and tour the factory. I'll bet it's something, huh?
2ndly, my particular set didn't come with all the vegetables on the box. If you look at the box you'll see there's lots of fresh tasty vegetables, and when I got it I didn't open it to check, but when I got it home I was kind of hungry and wanted something to eat, and as there are no clean dishes here I thought I'd whip out my new Lagostina Cookware and whip myself up a veggie stir fry. Mmmm mmmm mmm. There'd be asparagus and roasted red and yellow peppers, green onions and chillies tossed in a light olive oil and peppercorn dressing. The broccoli could wait for the kids. I would eat it out of the pots with my fingers just like the Italians do.
So you can imagine my chagrin and disappointment when I couldn't find any vegetables in the box whatsoever. I took it completely apart and couldn't find a single vegetable. Not a one. It seems a bit like misleading advertising.
I was sure glad I didn't invite the clerk back to my place for a vegetable stir fry. Imagine how that would have looked.
Otherwise I'm very happy with my cookware set, thank you. It's very shiny just like it shows on the box, and there are 10 pieces (I counted them) but no vegetables. Of course I haven't used it yet because there was nothing to cook with it but I can imagine that in time I will come to love and heartily endorse this product.
Sincerely yours,
Happy (but Hungry) Contest Winner
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- Category: Unsent Letters
A Sink full of dirty dishes
The sink is full of dirty dishes. I've put it on a list of things I have to do. I can't procrastinate any longer, there's no clean dishes left for me to eat off of.
Now typically when I have things on a list I try to break the list up into managable sized chunks. In the instance of the dishes I made a little sublist that looks like this:
- Do Dishes
- Clean sink
- Run Water
- Brush teeth
- Go to the office and Cross off above items from list
- Add dishsoap
- Turn on Radio and listen for contest on CBC 2
- Check Email
- Turn off water
- Arrange dishes beside counter
- Go back and add things to list that I probably forgot
- Cross off above items from list
- Check Email
- Wipe off counter
- Wash dishes
But that probably wasn't very efficient because the dishes are still there and it's been 3 days.
So I'm going to try a different technique that has served me well in the past. I'm going to make a mental map of things I need to do to get the dishes done. Now to share this with you I've done it in PhotoSoftware, which isn't nearly as glamourous as when I do it on a big piece of cardboard. When it's on cardboard it's much more colorful and I draw pictures and use things like crayons, gilded macaroni and toothpaste to illustrate my ideas. But I can't post a piece of cardboard with toothpaste and cardboard on the internet so I'm just gonna post a simplified rough outline of what my mental map to get the dishes done looks like.
Now I can see that I don't really have to do the dishes. I thought I had to do them but I have choices. I could buy a lottery ticket and go to Yemen. Or maybe I could have a banana. After I won the lottery, of course. Maybe it's all an illusion and there aren't really any dishes there after all. And the mice - always the damned mice, what would they eat if I did the dishes?
This of course proves that mental mapping is much superior to lists. I was never a very good linear thinker anyways.
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- Category: Miscellany
Lagostina Cookware
Safeway's called. They have my Lagostina Cookware Set.
Terrific!
I've been there before, I know the drill. This time I'm going prepared.
I pack my digital camera to document the occasion. Last time I won they weren't nearly excited enough. If I'd had more time I'd have bought some posterboard and made myself a giant novelty cheque. But I'll settle for some snapshots.
It's a bit busy so I wait at the customer service desk until they can see me and explain in excited terms how I've won the Lagostina Cookware set. The clerk congratulates me and gets me to sign off on the necessary paperwork, then goes to fetch the cookware set. My cookware set. He's not that excited but he's gonna be. When he returns I seize the opportunity to get some photos. Another clerk, rejoicing in his discomfort, volunteers to take the pictures.
I'm helping him hold it because it's kinda heavy. If you look close you can see that there's an envelope. It's a letter from Canada Safeway congratulating me for having won their cookware set. I'm saving it for a rainy day. He's sorta excited but not really. He's probably disappointed that I came to claim my prize, he was hoping that I wouldn't and he could take it home for himself. Probably he would have tried to win one for himself but the rules of the contest state that it's not open to Canada Safeway Employees or their families so he couldn't enter.
Here I am shaking his hand. He's reenacting handing me the winners envelope. He's happy I've made him so famous. Probably he thinks we're going to be on the news. I wanted to get a picture of me hugging and kissing him, but I didn't want him to think I was gay. After I get it unpacked maybe I'll invite him round for a vegetable stir fry.
Here I am jumping for joy instead of hugging him. He's holding the cookware set while I jump. It's heavy. The reason I'm sorta crouched down is that I've just landed after my big jump, but the girl didn't take the picture fast enough. We tried a few times and this was as good as it got. He was very pleasant, but it woulda been better if they'd had some cheerleaders in the background. Probably I should have brought my own.
I asked if they had any giant novelty cheques they could give me, but they didn't. Next time.
As you can tell by the pictures I'm a very enthusiastic and photogenic contest winner.
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- Category: Miscellany
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