2 from when I was 21
Almost forgot I was young once, until the brother hauled up a couple of vintage pictures of me from the basement. From when I was 21, living in London...the squatters life...
Hiking around Glencoe with Stephane...Always the rain...
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Vintage Photos
A collection of vintage photos found at the flea market, some interesting possibilities present themselves...
The first couple prove that hipsters have always been in style:
There's something about this one's eyes...
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The Best Xmas Gift Ever...
Now the secret-Santa at work fell through, which was a shame as I'm a fan of giving gifts and all, so I took it upon myself to conduct my own secret-Santa and chose "Ben", a dishwasher/assistant chef at work to be the recipient of my gift.
Now store-bought gifts are great, but given the choice I'd choose a handmade one any day of the week. I decide to inflict my values upon Ben. Ben is 24 yrs old, about 5'3", lives at home in his Mom's basement, and tells me the most inappropriate stories of his sex life. Like how his girlfriend wanted to spice things up and be "punished" and so he took her to his parents bedroom and did it there..."Wasn't sleeping with you punishment enough?" I ask, he's not so impressed...
Anyways, this is how the legend of "Ben the Punisher is born". For Xmas I made him a diorama, I could have continued it and made it even more detailed, but then I might have fallen prey to his demented perversity. I preserved the ratio of heights to Ben (Waitresses approximately 6-9" taller).
Converting an old electric fireplace/heater into a diorama, I created Ben's Basement, see photos below.
The short he-man is Ben (Notice carefully crafted whip), the hanging nude barbie is a waitress I work with, and the Elmo in Bondage is another dishwasher who looks remarkably like Elmo (but strangely resents my pointing it out...).
Ben Punishing the waitress...
A view of the other corner of the basement, where his next victim (another waitress) awaits her turn with Ben the Punisher. Note the horrified look on Elmo's face.
IN the end he wasn't so impressed, took out the dolls and chucked them, and gave the fireplace to his girlfriend to use as a bedside table. I didn't tell him about all the dismembered barbies I coated with blood and placed beneath the cellar floor. It should be amusing when she finds them.
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Despite a couple of the waitresses declaring it to be "The Best Christmas Present Ever...", it was a lot of effort wasted on a rather unappreciative audience. In future I think I'll sell my artwork on Etsy and use the proceeds to buy people the store-bought Christmas gifts they so crave...
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Dating advice from an Idiot
He's completely asexual, he has a girlfriend but in the three years they've been dating they've had sex twice, "I'm not really a fan" he explains to me.
For someone who isn't a fan he takes an unhealthy interest in my sex life, or lack thereof, and pries me for nonexistent details, eventually, getting nowhere he begins to offer advice...
"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen..." he says, he's follows a certain dating guru and explains to me what I'm doing wrong..."A lot of guys think that if they complement a girl they'll get them, but what you gotta do is insult 'em, tell 'em that lipstick is horrible or that dress makes them look fat...get their attention". This guru, think Tom Cruise in Magnolia.
He ruminates a moment, contemplating his own failures, "I think that's what I've been doing wrong" he says, as if somehow he's been the fount of human kindness, and I have to laugh, any girlfriend of his has to endure his 7:00 PM bedtime, his taste in movies (any docu-drama on WW2), his gifts ("I didn't draw her name in the gift exchange...") his cooking (aged leftovers stirred together in a pan), he's got the recipes for neglect and abuse down to a fine art, only he doesn't realize it...
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