I hate dentists.
Not my dentist in particular, he's actually a pretty good guy, but in principle, somehow they remind me of the tens of thousands of dollars that should be sunk into my mouth to fix things up, they remind me I need to quit smoking, they in short are a reflection of my worst self.
And I've been seeing a lot of them, him lately. There's a lot to be done and I want it done before I'm unemployed.
I go in for the cleanings, the x-rays, then there are the inevitable extractions. This is misery, I know it, but I've psychologically prepared myself, numbed myself, suspended all thoughts until this is done.
In the chair and he holds up a long needle.
"We call this 'the wand'" he tells me.
"Oh! Dumbledore!" I say, muffled because my mouth is already partially numb and wide open.
"Merlin" he corrects me.
"And we're going to have to use an elevator. But it's not the kind of elevator that goes up and down...." he says, he's using the same patter he'd use with a 5 year old child. His teeth, they are perfect, too perfect. He's big into the cosmetic dentistry thing, but he's taken it too far on his own mouth, perfectly regular, brilliant white, they glint and shine a testament to his skill. Unnatural, he should know better. Mine are the opposite, light bends and is lost in the crooked maze that is my mouth, the model for Theseus and the Minotaur....
And he holds up a hammer and chisel. This is the elevator; stainless steel, doubtless manufactured and overcharged by some medical lab, but it's a hammer and chisel nonetheless, and how they came up with the term "the elevator" for the moment is beyond me. I know why, because you can't tell patients that you'll attack them with this, they'll resist, maybe even retaliate...And, exactly what you'd expect, he takes the hammer and chisel and begins to chop away, tapping, banging, hammering in my mouth. It's primitive and I'm thinking that what they really need is a barbers post, none of these fancy cosmetic dentistry ads, just a twisting red candy cane in front of the store, leeches, bleeding, haircuts, this is the kind of dentist I need to see, I'm seeing...
While he's hacking away he's talking to his assistant, about vacations past and upcoming (he's a dentist, he's on vacation every other week), about hunting trips and minor personal issues, I'm not free to comment, it's not my conversation and there's that minor problem of having a hammer and chisel in my mouth.
Eventually they're done, I'm done, free to recover for a few months before I have to go through all this again.
I hate dentists.